Writing in my book.

I am gathering and re-typing all my facebook posts, texts, messages and such into a "Dear....." format on Kindle.

As I am doing this, reading over the words I posted and such, I think: Who the heck is gonna read this and why would they ever buy it?
To me it's all regurgitated stuff. I don't see much new or mind blowing. Are there people out there that would actually buy this and enjoy it?

I really have no idea. I am just doing it because it was suggested right after I had thought of it. So..go with it and see what happens.

I have another few books I would like to write too, I think. But for now, this one is progressing and I am taking time to go it.

I wonder about it, but, still move forward and type.

I tell myself I am am writer and author. I meditate on it and find whatever hesitations I have and let them open up to belief, fading away the angst and being hopeful for possibilities.

Is what I have to say unique? Is there anything profound or life giving to others who don't already read all this stuff? I think I will add in some " Well, shit, that sucks" letters too.

My thoughts are to write what I would to my friends, those I love and care about and hopefully make others who I don't know, feel like maybe I do and I'm that friend that will say anything but always have something positive in the end, without wanting them go puke with sappiness.

What people have said to me, is that I have given themselves  permission to be themselves. To let go of masks or expectations of others and just be authentically them. Wow. That is amazing to be able to give that to others hey?

I didn't always have that myself. I so often tried to be who and what I thought others wanted or expected me to be. What a frickin' load of work that was! And I totally stunk at it too. I think everyone does really.
And most people can smell that bullshit act a mile away. So in that process, we end up creating what we feared, rejection. Thinking it was us they didn't like but really it was the bullshit version they didn't.

If we gave ourselves complete freedom to be who we are, I really believe, even if we aren't liked by all, we will be respected for being authentic. And really, that's pretty wonderful.

Be you, you are the only one there is, everyone else is taken.

Home day, Rain day.

Had decided yesterday to have an "in home day" and so it seems the weather has conspired to keep it so.

The sound of palm trees rustling is similar to rain on them. The first days I heard the breeze on the leaves, I though it was rain. Something next door is tin, and the water hitting it adds to the melody of the rain, birds and breezes blowing...if I close my eyes, it's quite magical.

Have been thinking and talking about this very thing for a few days now. Then it pops up on my Facebook memories. I love reinforcement of what your soul and spirit are trying to speak to you. 

I find it's easy to live in the future. Dreaming and wondering and hoping for what lies ahead. I know this is a great thing, but only if you are firmly planted in engaging and appreciating what you have here and now.

Living with your head in the clouds of dreaming will keep you from fully taking in all the wonders and blessings today. 

Here we are, living out a dream and hope I have held for years. In a gorgeous tropical location, with the man of my dreams. Soaking in the sun, adventuring out and exploring our surroundings and putting aside our need for all the comforts of home. **Oh, hold on, don't get me wrong..we have even more comforts here, just different ones! Like having a landlady doing laundry for us? Ya, that's one I may have a hard time giving up! haha** But certain comforts of ease of communication, freedom of owning transportation, toilet paper in garbage cans rather than toilets, unfamiliar foods, customs, the list goes on. But I don't want to belabor that. What I want to focus on are the amazing things we are experiencing. The joy of actually living out a dream, regardless of having everything "together". Taking the risk of stepping out and owning our hearts calling, following and putting fears of the unknown aside.

Here we are. Exhale, and breathe in the muggy, sweet rain air.  

There is an interesting dance that happens between the two. Living in the now and appreciating what you are experiencing and dreaming and hoping for what comes next. Being engaged in both. 

I think it's another level of listening to your heart. Maybe not level but maybe,  nuance. Listening to your heart will flow in and around both. What an amazing thing that is. To live fully in the moment while having dreams tickle your heart and bubble up in wonder.  That is how it's been for me lately as I have taken the realization that here and now I what I have to touch and feel, but what is next is what I get to anticipate and enjoy as hope arises inside me.

I have ideas of where I want to be next, what I want to do and experience.

 So,  I ask my heart "Really?!" and my heart responds: " Sure. Why not?" And joy fills my heart for the here and now and the best that is yet to be .

I have had an ongoing heated conversation with my body for pretty much my entire teen and adult life. Weight has been pretty much the core of this conversation.

I have found, in the last few years, major freedom in many of the beliefs and self hatred I held to, but I still have some lingering issues that have been like a plucking invisible eyebrows, you know they are there, but you can't quite get a grip on them.

I often ask a question or hold to a thought as I go to sleep, for my heart/spirit/subconscious mind to answer when I awake. Asking  questions at bedtime has been a huge resource for me in finding some hidden answers. Amazing how the mind takes over and clouds our hearts so often. My ongoing question has been "What needs to be transformed in my beliefs to find and experience complete freedom to be Slim Trim Health and Strong?". This mornings answer to my last few eyebrows was:

 " You cannot be a best selling author if you don't write a book".

 Ok, so that also answers my best selling author hope, but it was actually speaking to me about the question I asked last night.

Now, I actually do believe this is possible. And no, I don't mean through massive amounts of exercise. I believe that when we correct our beliefs, and thoughts and connect fully with our hearts, our hearts will direct us to "eat whatever we want", because technically, what we really want is to be slim, trim, healthy and strong. (one of my mantra's I have said for a couple years now ) 

In the past, I have been on so many diets, looking for food to control my weight and my self. How I felt about myself, whether I was "good or bad"....

Food

Food

Food

So much so , that I got to the point I didn't know what was good or bad. What was right or wrong. Google "diets" and "good food vs bad food" and you will end up feeling like there is nothing good to eat but celery. And that is only if it's farm raised with no chemicals, non gmo. Cared for with love, compassion and understanding it's entire growth process and in soil blessed by a Shaman. 

Release, relief , and gratitude this mornings thought, is a blessing to me. It frees me and reminds me, its good for me to make wise, thoughtful choices with my eating, connecting it not to will power or behavior management, but to my heart of hearts. And most of all, TRUST  myself.  It frees me to say no to the donut, because still in my mind, it equals fat gain and is "naughty". It frees me to be and do what is best for me. It's a loving step towards my goals of yes, Slim, Trim, Healthy and Strong.

This isn't the first time this "answer" has come to me, and it probably won't be the last. Often with the hidden, seemingly elusive beliefs that keep us in a holding pattern, it takes a few reminders for us to fully connect with them. It's not something to get frustrated with, that only brings a feeling of defeat. Just recognize you are on the right path, you are being reminded because we all need reminders and encouragement along the way to know we are really connected to the truth for us. 

Try this exercise at bedtime when you are wrestling with a problem and haven't been able to find an answer. Right as you get all comfy in bed, write out the question, ask it, then let it go. Enter into your alpha state thankful for the answer and the rest that comes from not having to figure it out.

 It may take a few nights of doing this, but the answer will come, your spirit is connected to the future in ways your head and mind cannot be.

So listen, it's speaking. 

I wonder at times what I am doing here. 

I have been told I am a writer, that I have such a gift with words and expressing myself. That I have so much in me to share, that I am doing the world an injustice by not writing......

I write. I am a writer. I am an author ( don't go looking for books if you are reading this on Feb 12 2016, they aren't published yet)
I do have so much in me to share and say. I have words that want to get out. I have ideas, experiences and all sorts of 'nonsense' wanting to be expressed.

I haven't fully owned this yet.

I sat, actually laid, and meditated yesterday again on this. What blocks I have, what is hindering me, what is standing in my way, on a cellular level. I think I think on this too much and just need to make my way into writing more and getting it out there.

10 pages or 2000 words a day sounds so intimidating.

"We cannot achieve more in life than what we believe in our heart of hearts we deserve to have"
-James R. Ball-

So true hey?

Ah my heart of hearts.
I remember those words started a whole new level of freedom for me, a couple decades ago when I heard them on my kids video about Samuel the prophet choosing little shepherd boy David as the future King of Israel.
" Men look on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart" And God took it took it to the next level for me...
My heart of hearts.
My deepest desires, my true heart that sometimes gets shadowed by my selfish heart. Well, at the time I thought it was my heart, but now I believe my heart can never be what is considered by most "selfish". No, I believe our hearts are connected so intimately, divinely and deeply to who we are as a whole, as a universal people, that what the heart wants and moves in, is for the best interest of everyone.

I believe if we all connected, truly connected with our heart of hearts, we would be serving, experiencing, living in such a harmonious unity that "selfish" would never be considered. Our needs would be met, in such a profound way, over flowing into and onto others, we would all be fulfilled and whole.

It sounds so idealistic and naive, but I think it is really how we are created to Be.

We were and are created for Eden. We are one, energy, spirit, consciousness, whatever you want to call "it". God. I personally believe we were created by God, and given His very nature and power to create the world around us. Through our heart of hearts, through our beliefs, through our dreaming and hoping. Using similar creativity He used to create us, aside from the mud, that is.

My heart of heart, is to live this out, in such a way it impacts the world around me, the people I come in contact in such a profound way, that they give themselves permission to do the same. I want to see people free to live the lives they always wanted. I want to see the joy spill out of them, the love guide them, the hope prevail in them and the spread of this, like wild fire to others.....so it' just goes on...and on...and on...eternally.

What a beautiful world that would be.

I believe.
In my heart of hearts.
This is possible.
I believe it's the way we are intended to  live.

Been talking the last couple days, since watching The Secret and the other more recent one about the heart, about planting seeds.

What your life is right this moment is an expression of what you planted in the past. That is pretty life changing when you really grasp it.

It's also very freaky and frustrating in certain areas. 

But when you think on it, it's also incredibly life giving. You have more power in your life than you realized. You have more control and input. You have the keys within you to create and manifest that which is near and dear to your heart.

And this is exactly what I have been experiencing and coming to understand in deeper, more monumental ways all the time.

There are areas of my life, that seem to continue to hit walls and I am not seeing the changes, breakthrough and freedom that I have been hoping for. But when I honestly assess and evaluate, my words, both written and spoken, my thoughts, my emotions, I shouldn't be surprised I am where I am...still.

So, without going into detail about what it is I am not seeing breakthough in, I am going to continue to take my thoughts captive, and more intently my words, and keep believing for that which I want. With joyful anticipation of the freedom and expression these are bringing to my life daily. Believing and owning what it is I want and not allowing what is present at this moment, dictate, then create it all over again tomorrow.

No, I am holding true to what I want, captivating it so much so that I can see it and experience is right now as if it already exists.  That is the power of your heart. The power of emotions, The power of intent. The power of this beautiful now known Secret that we can have, be, do ...create what it is we desire.

It's a bumpy and not very eloquent blog post, but please understand....the beach is calling and our lunch is packed and I have my bathing suit on...

But this is the messy thrown together belief that we are living! How awesome is that? 

Sam read to me this morning about genius's in their field and how they work their craft. Setting daily goals for themselves.
For instance, Stephen King writes 10 pages or approx 2000 words a day. Lukas told me this in December I think.

Does every passion or compulsion to do something motivate this kind of dedication? I think if we listened to ourselves, it very well could and would.

I want that kind of consistency. Probably at this point, it is something I will have to make a decision about, because obviously, up till now, I haven't had it.

Choices are so powerful. Sam and I were talking about connecting to our hearts, passions, hopes, dreams and gut the other day on this level. When we finally come to the place of absolutely "owning" our dream, I believe that is when we really start seeing and experiencing a shift.

At that moment, when we actually believe and acknowledge our desires, the atmosphere changes. Possibilities start presenting themselves, opportunities and creative ideas start flowing towards us. We start seeing all the "yes's" over the "no's". Sifting of thoughts and priorities happen and we start purging thoughts, behaviors and even physical "stuff" from our lives that don't fit in with what it is that we are dreaming and hoping for.

That happened with me, as soon as I chose to not "put it down". I started looking around my apartment and decided what would grow my belief and what was hindering it. I chose to get rid of things that held me where I was, and focused on those things that moved me forward. I dreamed on a whole new level of what I saw as my new reality. I even started shopping for clothing differently. I gave away bags of winter clothing and shoes. I was convinced and knew I wouldn't need them. On that note, we didn't leave till January, and some of those clothes could have come in handy from the end of Oct till we left, but I survived! haha

In looking back over the past year, and years before when we have made shifts in our beliefs and chose to listen to our hearts, I have seen this happen so profoundly. It's a curious, interesting thing that happens.

So as I sit here, writing, with the desire that I am a writer and author, I look within myself for that shift of owning it. Really, fully and to the very gut of who I am, owning it. It scares me, but I have learned that fear goes part and parcel in the stages of following your dreams and heart, so I can be comforted in that. In the fact that everything I want is going to take me doing something different, and different brings unknown and unknown brings discomfort and discomfort brings....familiar.

I am writing in circles it seems.

But this is what I need to say to myself, and if anyone else can benefit and find power in it, to move forward and grab onto your dreams and follow your heart, then that's awesome and I'm glad to share mine with yours. As messy and possibly hard to follow as it is.

I am a writer.
I am an author.
And I am in the process of owning it.

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity. But, the dreamer of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible." 

~T.E. Lawrence

I don't think I could ever tire of this view, of any ocean view. My heart is so connected to the sun, surf and ocean breeze, it's life giving, energizing and fills my very soul.

For years I have talked and dreamed and hoped to live in a tropical location. So much so, that anyone who knows me will confirm this to be true.

About a year ago, I went for coffee with a friend, and again, talked about my hearts desire to travel and explore. When I got home and told Sam about my coffee date, and what we talked about, his response was a cynical " Heard this before, nothing new, I don't believe you. You talk about it, then put it down and nothing happens.".

Moment of deafening silent personal reflection.....

Me: " You are absolutely right. I get scared and let it go...this time I won't. I promise, I will not put it down. I want this."

I was scared.
That it might happen.
That it might not happen. That Sam wouldn't be on side with it.
That I couldn't "make " it happen. That I would end up ruining our marriage. That the money wouldn't be there
That I was making a big mistake. That it was foolish...
oh, the list goes on.


But in spite of all the fears and what if's, I continued to talk, dream, scheme and put my mind and heart into believing it was possible. And, also important, believing Sam would come on board and be excited about it too.

I put to  work some fabulous energy tools. ( fyi, they do work and I'm writing a book on my experience with them, stay tuned!) Prayer, meditation, visualizing in my mind and heart, creating physical visuals like dream boards and having our tv in our bedroom playing tropical beaches with waves and soft music, pretty much all day. We talked about it, dreamed together and with others. Took a step of faith by selling things from our apartment. I made lists of what we needed to do, to bring, to learn. We researched and then researched some more.

That may all sound like work , but it all started and poured out from the very core of my being, moving me forward, and drawing what my heart wanted to me.

And, like I said, it works! And it didn't take as much effort as what "they" say: Blood, sweat and tears. No, it was fun, light, joyful and full of anticipation. We dreamed our dream into reality.

So here I sit, Feb 4th, 2016, less than a year after declaring I wouldn't put it down this time, on the bed of our apartment, with palm  trees rustling outside the window. The ocean only a 15 min walk away. Tanned and a little burned from yesterdays soak on the beach and wave jumping fun. Reflecting on what a year can hold when you truly believe your dreams are possible.

What happens next? We take in our time here to it' fullest. I write and share my experiences. WE keep full on dreaming.
We Believe.

Believing is the Beginning of Dreams Coming True. 

This quote is from a poster I had on my bedroom wall when I was a teen. I never knew how true and impacting these words were and are.

Dream a Dream Dreamer. Believe it is possible. Then start entertaining it as real and happening, then before you know it, you will be living it for real and reflecting on what a beautiful, mystical journey you took that brought you to that very moment in time. <3

Mama Me Ah......

** found this draft the other day. Not sure when I originally started it, but I'm just gonna put it out there. It's amazing to look back and see how I have been on a journey of self discovery over the last few years. Of all I have changed, learned and grown in, one thing remains the same, I miss my kids and love them dearly **

I'm not quite sure where to start....

so I will just blurt it out.

 Life after being a stay at home Mom can be incredibly challenging.

I feel like I have spent the last few years doing my best to discover myself, remember what my dreams were, learning what I like, doing my best to see my gifts and abilities aside from what lies within the  walls of our home.
It has been tough. It has been stressful. Time doesn't stop to figure things out.....and changes don't stop happening for you to adjust to the ones that have happened.

I have been lovingly encouraged to take a breath, from time to time, and realize that a lot has happened over the last 4 years and I need to be kind to myself. I am the one who stepped in today to give that gentle reminder.

I miss my kids.
I miss my familiar.
I miss the purpose that I use to have.
I am confused at times as to where and how I fit into life after Momhood ( not that it ever really stops, but it definitely takes on a whole new look and feel. )
I get lonely.
I get disillusioned.
I get frustrated at myself.

And, I am positive I am not the only one.

I am embracing more of what I have to offer and being honest again with my dreams and hopes.

I have some regrets. But they aren't going to hold me hostage,  but I would love if they would help others to not build similar ones.

That is why I'm sharing now. As I was cleaning and as I was wiping down the counters at this stage of my life...I thought:

" You know what? I  have so much to offer.  The experiences I had as a Mom and Wife for 28 years counts for a heck of a lot!"
Failures and successes fill my portfolio and I'm pretty much an open book. No holds barred when it comes to sharing my life.....I personally need to give it away. Or...what's the point of it all? That's the hope of the crap in life...that things work out for good and you get the joy and privelege of helping others.

Well...there is so much more I could say...but then I would be writing another book and this will never get posted.

Enjoyed a day trip to Cancun yesterday. Rode in with our landlady and daughter. So incredibly thankful for such beautiful, kind people to share a house with.

This morning I woke thinking about our own personal messages, what is heavy on our hearts to share with others, what is the most important thing for us to make sure others know or experience. And when we live those words, speak those words, share, teach, write, and experience those words from the deep of our bellies, we impact the world in a way no one else can.

I realize so often I compare. What I say and how I say it to others. And inevitably, I discount mine as not as powerful or eloquent or lovely as others. I allow my own self doubt chip away at my hearts desire to share with others, how monumentally important it is to follow your heart. To be so in tune with what your heart is saying that you make courageous, often seemingly stupid choices in order to fulfill that gut "knowing". That no matter what, you just HAVE to do what your heart says, or else you know you would be failing yourself.

It got to that point with me when we were selling our apartment and pretty much everything in it. I looked around, thought "What the heck are we doing!?", then realized, there was no turning back. I had to keep moving in this direction and staying was no longer an option. I think it was about that very moment, I found a deeper freedom to embrace the journey and give give a rats ass what anyone else said. Not even myself.

Do I have moments now that I wonder that very thing? Absofreakinglutely! But that is exactly when I am not connecting with my heart, or my message, or my souls intent and I go back to familiar, my homeostasis and I am no longer looking into my future but replaying my past and comparing.

Are there moments I want to have the safety of the known, yup. Are there things I want that are not available here, for sure. Do I like throwing my toilet paper into the garbage can instead of flushing it.NOPE. But do I want to go back to my past comfort zones, and my familiar surroundings, and opening myself up to the regrets of "what if"? Not a chance.

So I am writing my story, the only way I know how; words rolling out of my head and onto the screen, without edit or adjustments to what I think I "should" say, or how it compares to others way of expressing. I just say it, put it out there, walk my authentically me walk and say it how the only way I know how. As Me, living this dream, experiencing my message in the hopes it impacts others to do the same: Follow their ( YOUR) heart.

Now, it's time for laundry! Yay for bits of the ordinary? Hm....not so much. ;)

Well, what can I say, other than....we made it. We have talked for years about living in Mexico, about travelling and exploring, about living a life less ordinary, outside the box....and here we are, in Playa del Carmen.

I have so much going on inside of me right now. Fear of writing and not writing being the most nagging thoughts. So with that, I decided I would at the very least write something on my blog. It's safe here, not many know about it and I can just get my fingers moving without the pressure of it being brilliant or even important.

Have a few books inside me, and I know I need to take the steps of courage and just put them together, start writing them. 

Was thinking on this the other night. Doubt and condemnation start tossing shit at me, and I take the bait. I think " what the heck do I have to say that is any different than anyone else saying the same things I want to say, or have to say, or think to say..". Then the thought of Harlequin Romances comes to mind. Millions of books written as romance novels, all with the basic same plot line....over..and over...and over. Yet they sell. People continue to buy them and read them even though they can guess each step along the way what is going to happen. Same story, different authors and characters. 

And yes, this comforted me. No, not gonna write a romance novel, I do not have fiction in me to write, I don't read it, so I really have no idea how to write it. But it comforted me in the fact that even though it's the same story, different writers have a unique way of expressing that same story. Each reader hears the story how they can because of their own stories. Each person sees and hears a very specific and individual way because we are all so different, in all our similarities. We all have a unique beautiful, only us, way of expressing our knowledge and experiences.

So, I will take my courage and make some steps towards getting the books out of me and onto this computer, with the hopes a book will appear and maybe, just maybe, someone will want to buy and read. If not, at least I took what is on my heart and put it out there. And for that, I will be very proud of myself for.